US Invades North Korea, Declares War on Trolling

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By Tits McGee

SEOUL—President Obama surprised the world Sunday when he announced an American military invasion of North Korea, substantiated by the newly declared War on Trolling.

Speaking to reporters at a press conference from the White House, President Obama said “As President of the United States of America, I am invoking executive power to declare the War on Trolling as an attempt to defend the free world.”

“Americans are asking, how will we fight and win this war? We will direct every resource at our command, every means of diplomacy, every tool of intelligence, every instrument of law enforcement, every financial influence, and every necessary weapon of war, to the disruption and to the defeat of the global network of trolls.”

“This war will not be like the war against Iraq a two decades ago, with a decisive liberation of territory and a swift conclusion. It will not look like the air war above Libya two years ago, where no ground troops were used and not a single American was lost in combat.”

“Our response involves far more than instant retaliation and isolated strikes. Americans should not expect one battle but a lengthy campaign, unlike any other we have ever seen. It may include dramatic strikes, visible on TV, and covert operations, secret even in success. We will starve trolls of funding, turn them one against another, drive them from place to place, until there is no refuge or no rest. And we will pursue nations that provide aid or safe haven to trolling. Every nation, in every region, now has a decision to make. Either you are with us, or you are with the trolls. From this day forward, any nation that continues to harbor or support trolling will be regarded by the United States as a hostile regime.”

“Earlier this morning, I ordered the Joint Chiefs of Staff to commence military operations against North Korea, a country that actively promotes and practices trolling, and have named its ruler Kim Jon-un, Troll Number Un.” said President Obama.

Former CATO research fellow Stanley Kober said “North Korea adopted trolling under Kim Jong-il, but expanded its use under the rule of Kim Jong-Un.  This has been clearly illustrated by the string of provocative diplomatic and military actions this April.”

However, Kober and other analysts are concerned that the United States may in fact incite further trolling.  According to Kober, “The best advice in defending against trolling is to ignore the trolls themselves.  Trolls are fueled by reactions to their actions.  Giving them attention only makes things worse.”

Kober’s explanation seems to have been confirmed as North Korea responded by threatening to “unleash a fiery bombardment against the United States and its allies” if they do not name April 1 as an international holiday “celebrating the unparalleled greatness of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.”

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3 responses to “US Invades North Korea, Declares War on Trolling

  1. First of all, what’s “trolling”?

    Also I have friends from Seoul, which is in the Democratic Korean Republic and I’m pretty sure they’d be pretty upset if they saw their glorious nation getting libelled up like this. Will Kim in particular has already mentioned he’s moving back to the DPRK in protest. Good job Not Bret Perry.

  2. NOOOOO don’t declare war on North Korea! Think of all the asians that we’ll piss off! We can’t do that!

    Why not? Because I LOVE asians.

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